Welcome to Naija Times from yours truly Ayomide Tayo a.k.a AOT2.
This is going to be a weekly curation of Nigerian pop culture delivered in my trademark sarcastic and humorous tone.
It’s everything Nigerian, told through a prism of observational comedy.
To my music fans, don’t worry. I will be dropping regular music content.
With that said, let history begin.
Gold Baby, His Baby + His Baby’s Baby 👶
First of all congratulations to the Gold’s on their new bundle of joy.
Speaking of babies, Nollywood’s ‘IT’ girl right now, Regina Daniels, this week unveiled brand new baby bump photos. The previous week, her billionaire husband broke the news on Instagram with a caption packed with double entendre.
I must admit, zaddy has a way with words. Who knew he could still hit the spot like that (double entendre). The Ryan Giggs of the IG caption game, who knew baba could score so easily (double entendre).
Also, a big happy birthday shout out to Nollywood’s New Gen Spice Boy Timini Egbuson. The heartthrob turned a year older during the week and as things go with sex symbols, ladies were drooling over his latest pictures.
Quick one, remember when Twitter found out that Timini was dating a 20-year-old babe? Remember the faux outrage? I wonder why there wasn’t any outrage over Regina Daniels and Prince Ned Nwoko’s marriage.
Sinzu Money To Rescue Hushpuppi
The Mansa Musa of Nigerian IG, Hushpuppi was arrested by Interpol and the FBI according to several reports.
Word on the street is that everybody’s favourite street boy Sinzu Money is planning to bail out the new age King Solomon of social media.
Last I heard, Sinzu Money is on a conference call with Spartacus, Jacuzzi and Spending to raise funds to get Jeff Bezos of Timelines out on bail.
Sinzu Money has hired the services of a top-notch, no-nonsense lawyer by the name of Atomic Bomb to make sure Hushpuppi does not spend another second in custody.
What’s The Worth Of A Nude Photo? 😈
Naija babes are financially liberating themselves one link at a time. Back in the days, if your game was tight and you slid into the right DMs, you would get mad nudes. These days if you ask for a nude, you get an invoice.
Welcome to the era where nude photos and clips have been commodified thanks to the content platform called Only Fans which has a few Naija content makers there. It’s strictly business. You don’t pay in Naira but in US Dollars.
In this economy, nothing kills female arousal faster than the toxic masculine gaze of two Nigerian men on the N1,000 note. Imagine you grinding hard to get premium shots and tight angles on your Only Fans, just to end up also seeing Ahmadu Bello, Nnamdi Azikwe and Obafemi Awolowo staring at your titties. Nigerian men are scum.
There is nothing better than Benjamin Franklin ogling your nude photos. Talk about thick lives matter.
Some have described this movement as a way for Nigerian women to liberate their bodies from the clutches of patriarchy as well as indulge in exhibitionism.
Not all exhibitionists and nudists are capitalists by the way. If you can’t afford USD, some other babes believe in a ‘free market’, as in freely have they received and freely do they give back.
There is no price tag on their photos and they come out at night when the ‘TL is asleep’ to bless their thirsty predominantly male audience with their nude shots. The only things you will lose are your sleep and Vaseline if you hook up to their free service.
As expected the moral police have come out to bash these young women but gone are the days when you could threaten Nigerian women with bride price, morals and all that stuff.
What’s the worth of a nude photo these days? Is it $5 or 1,000 retweets?
Chin Up 😷
During this era of the COVID-19 pandemic, Lagosians have remixed a vital aspect of preventing infections.
Before, the cool thing was to go about town wearing a cloth face mask that matches your outfit.
Now, the vogue is to put your face mask on your chin.
This is because when COVID-19 sees the mask on your chin it will swerve from you like the angel of death in Egypt when Israelites smeared their front doors with the blood of lambs.
Covidiots are the new zombies, their brains are rotten and they are out to kill you.
Tell me how two grown up adults can be talking to each other and have their face masks on their chins? How? Why? That’s a 1-2 pass of COVID-19 between the two of them.
In a group of more than two people, COVID-19 will be passed around from mouth to mouth like a ball in a Tiki-Taka formation.
By the time these people fall ill and go to the doctor it will no longer be COVID. It will just be COFFIN.
Please COVID-19 is not a chin-chin affair.
Adultery Economy 💵
Hotels in Lagos are back in business so expect the economy of adultery and transactional sex to be booming once again. If your babe in UNILAG is not picking your calls this weekend, she’s most likely with a father of four who is blessing her with 21 seconds of steamy sex per round and a boost in her bank account.
Gyms however are not yet open which is unfair and promotes gender inequality. ‘Cos when husbands are cheating on their wives in hotels, the madams at home cannot cheat on their husbands with their gym instructors.
Think about it, some women have been going to gyms for years and haven’t lost weight. No baby, it’s not because of metabolism. It is because of adultery-ism.
Fisi ➕
Football is coming back and when I say football I mean Premier League. No one really watches the other leagues. Well, now that football is back, say bye bye to ‘couple challenges’ on Tik-Tok. Men now have better things to do with their free time than pretend to be happy doing the 784th Tik-Tok challenge with their partners.
It was rumoured that Nollywood veteran Olu Jacobs had passed away. The great actor is not only alive but is also hale and hearty. If you fake news ambassadors must kill anything in Nollywood there are a few movies that I can suggest.
The Director-General of the Raw Materials Research and Development Council (RMRDC), claimed that kilishi production was a research breakthrough of the agency. This is the kind of thing that will make vegetarians angry and want to free all the cattle in Nigeria. That’s if the herdsmen don’t shoot them down first. Now that’s beef.
PS5 is out and I love how guys are pressuring their babes to buy it for them. The only problem is if your babe buys it for you, she will force you to do a blood covenant. Scratch that. She will jazz you so you will never leave. While you play PS5 at home, she will be playing PS6 with your destiny in baba’s shrine.
Sisi Yemmie made a very strong tweet during the week. Please, be vigilant when giving birth so nurses don’t switch your child. Who knows, you might be Dangote’s secret child struggling to make N30,000 per month work for you in Lagos.
Digital Candy 👀
Diane, the only ex-BB Naija contestant worth looking at during the reunion gbas-gbos filled with Jiji-purchased fake accents. If she had opened up during the show, she would have done much better. It’s never too late and her post-BB Naija game has been solid. Ride on girl (double entendre?).
This is hard work man! How did you curate all these stories? 👍👍 This is the aside and banter I miss about LooseTalk... Well done OG!
A fan from Day 20. ✌️
Great work!!
This part cracked me up
*you might be Dangote’s secret child struggling to make N30,000 per month work for you in Lagos.*
I look so much like Dangote. I might just be his son. Lmao