One Stroke Of Dangote Sugarcane, Doctor Stella (Helen Ukpabio) Immanuel
Breakdown Of What Makes Nigerian Culture Pop!| Vol. 7
You know the vibes
One Stroke Of Dangote Sugarcane
This week, the tawdry news cycle was dominated by the news that Toke Makinwa had her Banana Island mansion seized by AMCON.
The fake news was that the mansion was owned by a billionaire and it was more of a gift to Toke Makinwa than outright ownership.
Of course, the bad belle gang went to town peddling seedy tales about our award winning OAP/vlogger/author who duly denied the horrendous rumour and now has her legal team on the matter.
Nigerian men and slaves of the patriarchal industrial complex need to do better. A woman can be financially independent, successful and buoyant without sexually gratifying a withered old man whose strokes are powered by Parkinson’s Disease.
Let’s be real to ourselves for a minute. Do you even know the benefits of a woman being in a transactional relationship with a billionaire? I suspect poverty has blocked your train of thought on this matter so let me explain.
Billionaires are here for a good time and not a long time. A man worth 9 zeros does not have time for a frivolity such as foreplay. He is a financially empowered premature ejaculator and considerate lover.
He has meetings to attend from all over the globe. He has stock markets to monitor across the planet. 10 minutes having sex is a luxury most billionaires can’t afford ironically.
2 minutes of intercourse with a billionaire is worth its weight in gold. So tell me why a hot, banging lady won’t go for a billionaire?
Why sleep with a hungry man who will have his way with you from dusk to dawn only to end up giving you Uber money, when you can sleep with a Forbes certified rich man who will last 60 seconds and give you money to take care of your needs for a year?
See, sex to a poor man is like a tube of toothpaste, he will squeeze to the last drop.
Sex to a billionaire is gelato - lick am once, twice and he is done.
Ladies, why end up looking like sandpaper when you can end up looking like a million bucks literally.
As men we are just too self-centered. Think about our women who have been financially disenfranchised by the patriarchal industrial complex.
Do you know what women who sleep with poor men say before sex? “God don't let this man last long.”
Do you know what women with rich men say after sex. “God, thank you for what you have done. 2 minutes and $50,000.”
Now honestly tell me, one stroke of Dangote sugarcane or one wrap of Gala and pure water?
You sef as guy dey reason am.
Doctor Stella (Helen Ukpabio) Immanuel
See, I have had it up to here with coronavirus and the conspiracy theories that go along with it.
While I am still shaking my head at Pastor Chris and Pastor Chris who have left the pulpit to be chasing UFOs (they are real by the way) and vampires, a lady by the name of Stella Immanuel shook the Internet (you see girls, you don’t need to go naked to break the web) with her claim that COVID-19 can be cured with hydroxychloroquine, zinc, and antibacterial drug, Zithromax.
On Tuesday morning, I saw Doctor Immanuel trend for her ball-busting video. I have learnt to do background checks on people who make audacious claims.
I did a quick Google check and saw ‘Illuminati’ conspiracy theories attached to her name. That’s all it took for me to go back to sleep. Luckily, other journalists dug deeper and found out that Doctor Immanuel believes in demon sperm, reptilians running a shadow US government and spirit spouses.
This just sounds like the plot of another bad Helen Ukpabio movie. On second thought, Helen Ukpabio movies are way better than this doctor’s drivel that made me the rounds this week.
I don’t believe jack in what she says ‘cos if spirit wives really do exist, I for don give Doja Cat belle since because she is always in my dreams.
Also, a doctor is pretty bad if Nigerian doctors like Razor Blade can denounce your medical findings.
Fisi +
Reality TV coitus has started in this season of Big Brother Naija. For my porn-trepreneurs out there, a subcategory of BBN porn would make sense. At the very least, trust Nigerians to pay to watch movements under a duvet and imagine bad things.
First he wants to postpone the elections and now he wants to ban a social media app. Please, which African dictator is giving Trump notes?
A Nigerian pastor has ordered the Federal Government to shut down Big Brother Naija or else he would use his spiritual powers. Ride on pastor. There are more important things to deal with like corruption, bad leaders and oh...COVID-19 but it’s breasts you are focused on. Talk about priorities.
In a week that saw the (controversial) black and white challenge, some Nigerian women have chosen to score own-goals. Veteran actress Victoria Inyama has told ladies to dress appropriately to avoid being raped and actress Dayo Amusa is of the opinion that actresses make themselves vulnerable to sexual harassment. The anti-coven is moving mad.
Video Club 📼
Umbrella Academy Season 2- I stopped midway in season 1 ‘cos I felt the storyline was getting a bit silly but a lot of people are raving about the new season 2 so I will give it another shot.
Sylvia - Nollywood are dumping a lot of their movies on Netflix but one that is different from the rest is Sylvia. It’s a supernatural love story that will get your spine tingling. It won’t be a waste of your time.
Music 🎧
Vibes and Insha Allah - Reminisce is on a new 30+ vibe. This EP is groovy, sweet and light for you to play again and again this weekend. Stream it and read my review on the IG post above.
Essential Reading
When Your Child Is A Psychopath by Lola Dupre for The Atlantic
Before I Go
My main man Osagie Alonge is back with a new podcast called ‘A Time In Music’. It throws a spotlight on your artistes and the music they've released over the years.
I was on the debut episode alongside Motolani Alake of Pulse where spoke about 9ice’s ground-breaking sophomore classic ‘Gongo Aso’.
You can stream it HERE
Digital Candy 📖
O por yeah yeah
Nice one gee